“Don’t you love New York in the fall? It makes me want to buy school supplies. I would send you a bouquet of newly sharpened pencils if I knew your name and address.” (Nora Ephron, “You’ve Got Mail”)
If you’ve seen and remember the opening scene of “You’ve Got Mail,” you’ll recall that it’s the crisp air and falling leaves that remind Mr. just-call-me-Joe Fox of back-to-school, and he clearly feels great about it. Pardon us, Mr. Fox, but in Texas we’re still managing the stifling 157 degree heat, so we can’t quite relate there. We can, however, relate to having all the feels… and we mean all the feels.
In the spirit of acknowledging what is, let’s take a look at some common thoughts parents have around this time of year. I’ve heard these things from so many people, and I think it’s helpful to know that, no matter what mix of feelings you have, you’re not alone.
Common back-to-school thoughts
1. “A new school year is exciting!”
Maybe you’re excited for your little one (or big one) to venture off on an adventure. Or maybe your child feels excited, and that rubs off on you. Maybe you’ll appreciate having more structure in your life. Maybe you’re looking forward to more independent time in your schedule. Maybe you’re like Mr. Fox and just love the smell of school supplies. The whirlwind of prepping for the start of a new year brings a certain energy that some find totally exhilarating.
2. “I’m already tired.”
Chances are you feel really tired, and that’s confusing because the school year is only just beginning. By the time the summer ends, you still need to make one big push to check off doctor’s visits, school orientations, haircuts, shopping, paperwork, and whatever else may be on your general to-do list. Keeping track of everything that needs to get done while also supporting everyone around you can feel exhausting.
3. “It’s so hard to adjust to a new routine.”
Summer feels more loosey goosey than the school year no matter how you and you children spend the time. You may have had more unstructured time at home, or you may have spent a few months dashing here and there taking vacations, dropping off at summer camps, or coordinating childcare. Even if you continued working just like usual, and they did the same thing every weekday, there’s something in the summer air. If everyone has been going to bed later and sleeping in, getting into the swing of lights out and alarms takes time. And adjusting to the different expectations imposed on you and your children (like sitting in a classroom for eight hours), feels daunting and just plain hard.
4. “Going to school brings back memories of my school years.”
So much of the back-to-school focus falls on children, but every parent was once a student too. When you walk into a familiar school or a new school, what happens? When you hear your child’s stories about what happens day-to-day, what happens? Those feelings you have probably have something to do with your own experience and not just theirs. Whether the memories are good, bad, or somewhere in between, they can color your experience today and the ways you react to your kids.
5. “We didn’t do enough!”
Goodness knows that in the social media age, parenting inspiration is everywhere. You may have seen posts or heard people talking about “summer bucket lists” at the beginning of the summer. You may have made goals you thought were manageable. And, like most people, you probably haven’t checked off everything (or many things?) from that well-meaning list. To top it all off, you’re probably seeing summer recap posts now and assuming that everyone else did all the fun things. Comparison at this time of year – from what people did over the summer to how many ways you’ll volunteer – runs rampant.
6. “My baby is growing!”
A new school year marks another spin around the sun. We are all one year older than last time. You may rejoice in the development that has occurred over time, and you may grieve the loss of what was. This may ring particularly true if it’s a milestone year, like the first day of kindergarten or the year of driving.
7. Something else…
During such a busy time, minds tend to race. I’m sure you’re having many thoughts that aren’t represented here, and you may or may not be able to even pin them down.
Ways to manage the first days of school
1. First of all, check in to see how you’re feeling and what you’re thinking.
Looking at the thoughts listed above, maybe you notice some butterflies and realize you’re a 1-2-4-6. You feel excited about a fresh start for everyone, and you remember loving your first days of school. You’re tired, though, and your little one has a different personality than you, so you’re worried that they won’t love the first day like you did.
2. Accept your feelings as they are.
If you’re feeling sad that your baby is starting PK3 and doesn’t seem like much of a baby anymore, feel that. It’s OK to feel sad. It’s also OK if you simultaneously feel excited because your family thrives on routine. Acknowledge whatever you’re feeling because that’s the best way to know what to do next.
3. Figure out what you need to keep your footing, for your sake and your child’s.
If you feel so excited you can’t stand it, celebrate! Ask some girlfriends to go to happy hour, or plan a date for an upcoming weekend, or go get a manicure. If you feel sad or anxious or some other challenging emotion, find a way to process it. Some people journal and practice relaxation. Some people talk to someone else. Some people practice mindfulness. Read this post for tips on coping. Do what works for you, so you can feel the hard emotions without getting overwhelmed by them.
You may also find opportunities to address anything that’s bothering you. If you’re feeling lonely, you could introduce yourself at drop-off or pick-up and ask the school for opportunities to meet other parents. You could practice self-compassion if you’re getting lost in comparisons. You could create a manageable meal plan if you can’t quite find your weekly rhythm.
And if you’re not sure how you feel or what to do to stay grounded in this shifting season, reach out here.
Mr. Fox, we’d welcome that bouquet now.